Finding Yourself Back – Day 20

My first experience of snow happened when I turned 25.I went to a hill station in the north . Apparently it was also my first solo outing.I still remember how scared I was when I did that but cannot forget the confidence that floated over my face afterwards.I booked a hotel where people were very kind from driver to everyone I met.The valley I visited was no doubt a heaven.And the second day of my trip when I woke up , the view from my window was of the mountains covered in snow.It snowed in the night I came to know later.It was pleasing to eyes and so much refreshing.Thinking about it always bring smile on my face.
I went to one of the spot where via trolley we reached the peak of the mountains within a minute or two and as I reached there it started snowing again.
And that was my first time I experienced snow falling over me.It was cold to the level that as soon as it started to snow people were rushing back to the mountain base.I remember my hands freezing but me in no rush but just wanted to be in that moment.
If that girl in that moment who was happy beyond words had known that in coming years she will go through dramatic life changing phases ,she wouldn’t have believed.
Now as I look back I feel grateful for I was able to experience so much beauty that exists on this earth.I have a responsibility now to live this life again like the daredevil I was before.

Finding Yourself Back – Day 19


Its almost the next day now,today I woke up with a mild headache in the morning,and my eyes were hurting from not sleeping much last night.As the morning grew on me so did my sickness because of a lot of things.

I did not feel good for the longest time ,I wanted to do the pity party again,wanted to take a U turn but when enough is enough then there is no turning point.Today was the test of true patience and persistence for me.In those moment ,feeling sick in my stomach, I already wanted to exaggerate my situation rather than finding a solution.Perhaps then it clicked me that I need is  to find solution to my problems not exaggerate them.

Perhaps then I talked to myself about it and said- “Hey , what can be the solution in this scenario, what can I do to not feel same or feel better”.

I told myself again and again – “This is the process and I cannot give up now”.I told myself lets be patient and utilize time wisely in the best possible way.I started again and rather than focusing on the negative ,I started slowly and slowly focusing on the positive.

I thought I would not be able to accomplish anything today,but sometimes going slow does not means you are not moving, sometimes turtle also wins the race and this was no race but it was just a slow move into the future and I am grateful I made it happen today and did accomplish few tasks.

Grateful for many situations turned out positive today and helped me to move in the right direction.Reminds me of the quote

“God help those who help themselves”



Finding Yourself Back – Day 18


“A lily in May, is far better than growing like an old oak tree”.When I was a kid,I read this poem at school and it somehow found a space in my memory /my heart and still does even now.

May is also the season when Lily flowers blossom,on my way to school, riding on my bike,I would try to find Lilly in people`s lavish outdoor garden and it was one of the house where I actually found them.

That was one the most wonderful feeling when I was able to see a row of Lily flowers blooming in May and they did lasted less than a week but yes left an impression for the whole year.

It wasn’t just a reference in the poem – to not get comfortable in the current situation and grow like an old oak tree but also not to live or invite similar kind of emotions/situations to let yourself be tortured by others which I felt for a longest time. It took years to get out of that phase and to know the importance of being like a lily rather than an be an old oak tree.

I think we all know somewhere in our heart what is good for us and sometimes when situation seems favorable or becomes way over bearable level we decide to become lily again.

We come out of the shell of hard cover, we grow and we live in the moment and instead of being neutral like having a shield ,we react to hot and cold weather ,just be beautiful in the right amount of time in the right moment.It the time when you are reborn leaving behind the pain of yesterday and trusting yourself to the very end and recreate yourself and your future in the way you want.You truly become Lily.

Feel grateful I broke my shell finally and hope May will keep inspiring the Lily in me.



Finding Yourself Back – Day 17


I just watched “Ellen’s coming out 20 years celebration” – ‘A Celebration of Courage’.She was first one to show that courage and after effects included stripping down of all her previous achievements, and she had to start afresh.

She came out in late 30’s ,an age when people normally wants to feel secure in their daily jobs ,she found the courage to build herself up from scratch again at that time and it was tough in every way possible but she did not give up.She said in her 20 years celebration episode,”she wouldn’t change anything because it gave her a chance to celebrate herself as who she is with her audience and she is very grateful for it”.

I feel really thankful to her for showing people like me that you can start over and find peace with who you are and that its all about courage and persistence and right choices that you have made now so keep on working hard and believing that things are going to work for you.

Feel grateful for been able to celebrate people like Ellen and live in same era as them.


Finding Yourself Back – Day 16


Today was a beautiful day,I started late in the morning, not very proud of it but it was necessary for me to let my mind rest.I finished cooking lunch and dinner by early afternoon and thereafter sat to study again.In the evening when my roommate was sleeping ,bright sun rays were trying to bake up the room every way possible and as those rays were making the ways through the gaps in the curtains, they lit up the complete room.Like lighting up my soul and telling me to just be happy and work on your dreams and believe its possible and to never doubt anything like last night I did.

By the evening 6 pm I started feeling very hungry perhaps due to continuous studying and by 7-8 pm I started craving for my hometown snacks which I had recently discovered were also available in this new city.I started conversation about having a craving for them and my roommate who also wanted to have some also got interested in having some,so we decided first to give the shopkeeper a call for home delivery as we both felt so lazy to go, even though we knew that shop doesn’t home delivers.And yes our vague attempt went into vain.

We finally decided that lets go and get it.Within a span of 15 min we made a round trip and were excited to get them.As we were coming back sitting in the rickety auto, moon after a fortnight escape, was also shining above us which my roommate commented looked like was smiling at us.

It wasn’t a day of big achievement to make it beautiful one but it was a day where I actually lived in the present and felt grateful for small small things in my life.


Finding Yourself Back – Day 15


I was in 6th grade and we just were assigned three parts social studies book -History,Geography and Civics.It was most horrifying and reinforced a sense of seniority in most of my classmate as now we were to read more subjects and detailed one too.I remember being scolded for forgetting frequently my history book at home and my teacher used to get very mad at me.During the first quarterly exam, I don`t know what happened, perhaps it was the fear of new subjects or maybe lack of preparation that I got the lowest marks ever in my life in History.My teacher was mad at such a poor performance of few kids including me as she was announced about it in front of class and predicted with this rate we would fail in the Half Yearly Exam.

Something happened I think afterwards, I remember sitting in History class and my teacher after the lesson was over, pointing at me and asking “Are you still in the class mentally”? ,something changed, as I opened the gates of my imagination to the limitless extent and when teacher used to talk about any historic event in detail, I used to picture it all like a movie in my head.I think there was a persistent effort plus thirst to know more and more made me not fear anymore but be excited about History.During the next Half Yearly exam , the teacher who used to me mad at me most of the time for my bad performance was shocked to her core,when she evaluated my History score.

I still remember she came to the class and was so shocked that she asked me to come up front along with a few other student who topped the test.She couldn’t stop talking and praising me in front of the class after that.And took my example in the other two class sections too .

Today when I was thinking about persistently working towards my goal , I was thinking  what was it then , was it just imagination and power to remember and reproduce in exam or was it more.How can I remain motivated for the dreams I am pursuing now.And then it hit me that perhaps all i need to do is get rid of the fears and be excited about everything and be thirsty and to be wise to know its a process and it tests people patience and hard work and thus motivated or not, persistence is very important.

Feel grateful that I am persistently pursuing my dream now and getting to work on things that I am passionate about.


Finding Yourself Back – Day 14


Rain was a seasonal thing in the place I grew up.I did not like everything about it but I did like the clouds,the lightening and the dripping from the rooftop and leaves.Our house sometimes used to get leakage and and rain water used to seep in.But I as a kid would love to make boats and me and my brother used to compete for whose boat gonna win the race.Along the wind the scent of rain and wet earth used to send a sense of refreshment to our soul. Sometimes people of the society, used to go to the roof and enjoy and become wet and play in the rain.Other times people would be humming some songs or playing one on the radio.

It so happened one rainy day,I decided to go against the wishes of my family to not take bike tuition ,which my elder brother had drove to home and was soaked in rain,as the chances that it will breakdown were higher.But I was getting late for my tuition and I did not pay heed.I met a very severe accident that day because the honker was not working which i realized later.Afterwards maybe I started to feel not the same about the rain but it wasn’t that I started hating rainy season or the rain but I pretended for a long time that I  did.

Sometimes we agree to certain things and try to match to others level just to be accepted or maybe liked.But is it even worth to loose your identity in the process and at times when deserted, feel like you are looking at a totally unknown person as you look into the mirror because its not who you are.

Its not right to give anyone this power over yourself that we forget who we are like some people says – ‘be apologetically yourself’.Embrace yourself.

I am grateful I am able to find myself back in that reflection of mine in the mirror.