Finding Yourself Back – Day 18

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“A lily in May, is far better than growing like an old oak tree”.When I was a kid,I read this poem at school and it somehow found a space in my memory /my heart and still does even now.

May is also the season when Lily flowers blossom,on my way to school, riding on my bike,I would try to find Lilly in people`s lavish outdoor garden and it was one of the house where I actually found them.

That was one the most wonderful feeling when I was able to see a row of Lily flowers blooming in May and they did lasted less than a week but yes left an impression for the whole year.

It wasn’t just a reference in the poem – to not get comfortable in the current situation and grow like an old oak tree but also not to live or invite similar kind of emotions/situations to let yourself be tortured by others which I felt for a longest time. It took years to get out of that phase and to know the importance of being like a lily rather than an be an old oak tree.

I think we all know somewhere in our heart what is good for us and sometimes when situation seems favorable or becomes way over bearable level we decide to become lily again.

We come out of the shell of hard cover, we grow and we live in the moment and instead of being neutral like having a shield ,we react to hot and cold weather ,just be beautiful in the right amount of time in the right moment.It the time when you are reborn leaving behind the pain of yesterday and trusting yourself to the very end and recreate yourself and your future in the way you want.You truly become Lily.

Feel grateful I broke my shell finally and hope May will keep inspiring the Lily in me.

THANKFUL FOR DAY 18

 

Finding Yourself Back – Day 17

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I just watched “Ellen’s coming out 20 years celebration” – ‘A Celebration of Courage’.She was first one to show that courage and after effects included stripping down of all her previous achievements, and she had to start afresh.

She came out in late 30’s ,an age when people normally wants to feel secure in their daily jobs ,she found the courage to build herself up from scratch again at that time and it was tough in every way possible but she did not give up.She said in her 20 years celebration episode,”she wouldn’t change anything because it gave her a chance to celebrate herself as who she is with her audience and she is very grateful for it”.

I feel really thankful to her for showing people like me that you can start over and find peace with who you are and that its all about courage and persistence and right choices that you have made now so keep on working hard and believing that things are going to work for you.

Feel grateful for been able to celebrate people like Ellen and live in same era as them.

THANKFUL FOR DAY 17

Finding Yourself Back – Day 16

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Today was a beautiful day,I started late in the morning, not very proud of it but it was necessary for me to let my mind rest.I finished cooking lunch and dinner by early afternoon and thereafter sat to study again.In the evening when my roommate was sleeping ,bright sun rays were trying to bake up the room every way possible and as those rays were making the ways through the gaps in the curtains, they lit up the complete room.Like lighting up my soul and telling me to just be happy and work on your dreams and believe its possible and to never doubt anything like last night I did.

By the evening 6 pm I started feeling very hungry perhaps due to continuous studying and by 7-8 pm I started craving for my hometown snacks which I had recently discovered were also available in this new city.I started conversation about having a craving for them and my roommate who also wanted to have some also got interested in having some,so we decided first to give the shopkeeper a call for home delivery as we both felt so lazy to go, even though we knew that shop doesn’t home delivers.And yes our vague attempt went into vain.

We finally decided that lets go and get it.Within a span of 15 min we made a round trip and were excited to get them.As we were coming back sitting in the rickety auto, moon after a fortnight escape, was also shining above us which my roommate commented looked like was smiling at us.

It wasn’t a day of big achievement to make it beautiful one but it was a day where I actually lived in the present and felt grateful for small small things in my life.

THANKFUL FOR DAY 16

Finding Yourself Back – Day 15

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I was in 6th grade and we just were assigned three parts social studies book -History,Geography and Civics.It was most horrifying and reinforced a sense of seniority in most of my classmate as now we were to read more subjects and detailed one too.I remember being scolded for forgetting frequently my history book at home and my teacher used to get very mad at me.During the first quarterly exam, I don`t know what happened, perhaps it was the fear of new subjects or maybe lack of preparation that I got the lowest marks ever in my life in History.My teacher was mad at such a poor performance of few kids including me as she was announced about it in front of class and predicted with this rate we would fail in the Half Yearly Exam.

Something happened I think afterwards, I remember sitting in History class and my teacher after the lesson was over, pointing at me and asking “Are you still in the class mentally”? ,something changed, as I opened the gates of my imagination to the limitless extent and when teacher used to talk about any historic event in detail, I used to picture it all like a movie in my head.I think there was a persistent effort plus thirst to know more and more made me not fear anymore but be excited about History.During the next Half Yearly exam , the teacher who used to me mad at me most of the time for my bad performance was shocked to her core,when she evaluated my History score.

I still remember she came to the class and was so shocked that she asked me to come up front along with a few other student who topped the test.She couldn’t stop talking and praising me in front of the class after that.And took my example in the other two class sections too .

Today when I was thinking about persistently working towards my goal , I was thinking  what was it then , was it just imagination and power to remember and reproduce in exam or was it more.How can I remain motivated for the dreams I am pursuing now.And then it hit me that perhaps all i need to do is get rid of the fears and be excited about everything and be thirsty and to be wise to know its a process and it tests people patience and hard work and thus motivated or not, persistence is very important.

Feel grateful that I am persistently pursuing my dream now and getting to work on things that I am passionate about.

THANKFUL FOR DAY 15

Finding Yourself Back – Day 14

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Rain was a seasonal thing in the place I grew up.I did not like everything about it but I did like the clouds,the lightening and the dripping from the rooftop and leaves.Our house sometimes used to get leakage and and rain water used to seep in.But I as a kid would love to make boats and me and my brother used to compete for whose boat gonna win the race.Along the wind the scent of rain and wet earth used to send a sense of refreshment to our soul. Sometimes people of the society, used to go to the roof and enjoy and become wet and play in the rain.Other times people would be humming some songs or playing one on the radio.

It so happened one rainy day,I decided to go against the wishes of my family to not take bike tuition ,which my elder brother had drove to home and was soaked in rain,as the chances that it will breakdown were higher.But I was getting late for my tuition and I did not pay heed.I met a very severe accident that day because the honker was not working which i realized later.Afterwards maybe I started to feel not the same about the rain but it wasn’t that I started hating rainy season or the rain but I pretended for a long time that I  did.

Sometimes we agree to certain things and try to match to others level just to be accepted or maybe liked.But is it even worth to loose your identity in the process and at times when deserted, feel like you are looking at a totally unknown person as you look into the mirror because its not who you are.

Its not right to give anyone this power over yourself that we forget who we are like some people says – ‘be apologetically yourself’.Embrace yourself.

I am grateful I am able to find myself back in that reflection of mine in the mirror.

THANKFUL FOR DAY 14

 

Finding Yourself Back – Day 13

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Life is not fair sometimes,sometimes it try to test our patience, sometimes it give us situations we think most catastrophic like anyone can ever face.
My friend says “still when you see other people around you and realize your problems are nothing compare to that and if you are given a chance to trade off your problem with them , you will choose yours to face”.So we have to face them anyways ,hmm and perhaps the person I will grow into will be wiser one i hope.I always thought the problem i am facing today and things that have been introduced to my life were to teach me patience.I know now what its like to wait pateintly for things to change for years. Sometimes I wonder ,theses colors of life that now i have seen on this earth,was it even that worth to deteriorate health and self like this.One wise person quoted recenlty “Experience is a silver lining so just hang in there you will be a stronger person when you come out it and if any such situation comes in future you will be able to just wipe it like dust off your shoulder”.I am on the other side now and am working harder than ever on my dreams,I think yes i did become stronger and yes I learnt a lot on this journey and met friends ,moved to new city and trying to be peaceful.I think if i made this far,its possible to go even further.Guess I just have to focus on next step instead of whole stair.

Grateful that i made this far,grateful for a lot of things which god looked after when I didn’t think i had any energy left to do.

THANKFUL FOR DAY 13

Finding Yourself Back – Day 12

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When I was in some 7th or 8th grade, i remember me being very studious and waking up very early.I would hear birds chirp on the trees all around fighting for their spot on the tree branches.It used to be amazing to go on the rooftop at such an early hour.I would sit and study their till early afternoon  and when  an airplane flying over my head used to catch my eyes, i would dream to be flying in one someday .Sometimes during the winter time, me and my family used to spend the whole afternoon on the roof.My mom used to make potato chips and used to take those freshly sliced hot potatoes’s pieces and place them in the sun to dry them up.Sometimes it would be smell of freshly prepared pickle or some papad,hmm,every time used to make my mouth water,even now thinking about them.I remember sometimes laying on my back and just watching the shape of the cloud and ,watching birds flying in groups to their shelter back at the dusk.Sometimes just laying and feeling so free in my head from all the worries of exam next day and dreaming to live life like that, where I could just feel so free while laying in the sun and just be blinded by the beauty of clouds and nature around.

Other times when constellations used to appear during dusk I would just not stop from gazing at the sky and sometimes used to be lucky to see milky way.Night sky has been inspiring to me always.When during hot summer time we used to sleep on roof,I would fall asleep watching stars ,talking to them in my head as i would personify them too.

I loved those times as a kid and i wish to be reconnected to me and nature around with that excitement in my eyes again.

Feel grateful to be able to live those moments which were a routine then but now i realize they were wonderful moments of my life without a doubt.

THANKFUL FOR DAY 12