Pausing and Looking Back

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I was sitting last night on my bed near the window and just was thinking about what just happened.Why I am not working or doing anything productive.I started thinking about my life since very young,started thinking how every bad thing that happened to me shaped me into a person who was became more and more self conscious.Incidents that happened when I was still a kid ,when I was at the verge of deciding my future ,when I for the first time beleived in something that i wanted to do.Physical appearance which I couldn’t appreciate, friends ,community and everything I started thinking I dont deserve.And instead of focusing on positive I indulge myself in so much of blame game where only culprit was  me.Perhaps today I was still doing the same thing.
I don’t know I am just fed up now living 27 years feeling this way most of the days.It really made me sick in my stomach when I think of the problems I attracted in my life like all along I was lookig for them and felt most happy when facing them.
Its a frustrating and exhausting feeling.
But now what?
This is even more of a big question because now is the time to decide do I really want a change or will spend my entire life in blame game blamig myself for one thing or another.
And instead of striving for happiness will I still look for pain.
How do I say I want to help girls in pain or change this society for a good when my inner self is in such a turmoil ,that problems I invite seems so much bigger and that I cannot just get my shit together.
Why that man who instilled the very first brick of a fancy restaurant would have thought differently,would have thought about providing others a best experience of their life.
What was the need of creating every beautiful thing in this world,if everyone had lived by the notion of keeping head under a deep suffocating sea of pain ,sadness and never trying to fight and float above but giving up to hurdle on the way and sinking deep deep down or even why choose this sea of pain instead of swimming in happiness and attract others towards it.
And just thinking about it,sinking so low for 27 year, trying to pull other down as well at times with you,
its like worse than choosing a life.
My head just couldn’t take this kind of life I lived so far and advised me,”Not Anymore”.
No more I will think I don’t deserve things.
No more I will think so low of me.No more I will compromise with my happiness.I want to work on some things I will dedicatedly persistently and religiously commit to it.
I will try to make time for doing things that will make me happy and not feel guilty about words coming out of my mouth could have taken another route ,another way.Just learn and no feel guilty.
And just wanna not waste my day and be productive and energetic and get things done without messing anything in my head.
Like they say ” You swallow the sun,your shine should be blinding and that is when you have lived the best version of yourself”.And it is what I crave and will fight for -to be the best version of me.

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