To the self – To change

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Time and again I get this feeling how do people remain persistent in what they pursue because for me I have a everyday fight with myself to remain consistent and persistent.
Something happened this weekend and it made me think of me as a person I am .
Living in new city with new roommate is a blessing.After a long time I have felt this freedom to pursue things I really want to pursue in life and perhaps the only reason I moved out of the house was to become the version of me which will be patient and will be able to be fully responsible for me.
My younger brother had to write to me ,after the incident happened ,that I need to grow up and stop thinking I can control how people will behave.He told me to grow up and make good choices and instead of controlling situation try to deal with them in a way that is good for me and society.
Moments before he wrote, my memories of time when I was still in school and was preparing for Medical exam which I failed crept into my mind.
I remembered,  how control freak I had become then ,maybe I had lost control of my senses and had lost the faith that I can pass the exam and got entangled in things I shouldn’t have gotten into.I used to get disturbed by the mere noise of the tv in three rooms away from me.
I tried controlling everyone and as usual everyone started hating me.
Today I can understand why everyone was not so close and nice to me afterwards and I was alone in time when I felt like a big failure for the first time in my life.
So after realizing that I am just repeating the cycle and will be controlling my nice and amiable roommate I will be wrong , I did make this mistake minutes ago and minutes after realizing what I was doing I apolozised immediately.
I decided I will never ever again try to tell people something they should be doing.
But this does not end here I have to take a step to deal with such situation on how my innerself should react and handle such situation ,perhaps I will try remember my younger brother words who is more mature than me or perhaps this time instead of getting soaked in excuses I will focus on things I have to do to achieve my goal for which I left Delhi in first place .
I understood that day ,impatience within me and trying to control others will only make me feel guilty and not peaceful in long run.People are reluctant to bond with such people and maybe I mistaken it for telling upfront honestly something I would like to be done differently but that is not how things work.
Just like my brother said everyone is facing something or the others but they dont try to make such a big deal out of it or take it as an excuse and not focus on oneself and grow.

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When moving to New City

 

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When I made the decision to move to the new city, I was just hoping I be able to forget past and start a new life but its not a day transformation that makes it happens.

And every move in the new city which seems like an alien thought or something we are scared off throw us back to those places where we try to be comforted by the memories of past.

Its been almost three weeks now in the new city with the first one gone in emotional flood of leaving family and just getting used to the weather of the new city and in getting to know the new office, new people around.

I tried to find flaw in everything and more but the truth is , this is the city of my favorite god Ganesha.

He somehow guided me to the good and saved me from getting into lot of troubles like I got the place to stay easily , in a day I was able to shop all household stuff in a city I didn`t knew anything about, I was able to do those things in few days was truly a god grace and I feel grateful for the same.

Today a miracle example happened ,when in Delhi , back in days when I used to live with other girls in different rented place than living with my family ,there was one girl who was already 32 but still strong.Her family was not supportive at all and it looked she would never find the one for her but today  after almost two years from that time, she found one and I am 100% sure he is everything she always dreamt off, my roomie in this new city who also knew her told me, good things in abundance happens for the one who wait  and it may take time but things happen and it just bought a huge smile on our faces.

She is definitely an example for us in late 27 , lost hope and give in most of the days into negative thinking ,she just made us to  revisit our thoughts and to believe in us more and just take a decision.

Thinking of which, its still very tough for me to not think of my past but then examples like today makes me just want me to get it all together and believe in me and that I just have to let go,  to get the feeling of the new city as I still have not been able to get the vibes of the new city as of yet, not been able to be 100% in the present even though I am already here.

Its easy to think you will move into new city and will forget the past and will focus on the present but it takes huge amount of self control ,work and discipline of emotions to not crave for the past thoughts when things get little out of the way we thought they would be or when sitting alone in new place over the weekend not give into the thoughts of the past.

Because like my roomie said, if you will continue to do this there is no benefit in moving to new city, you are not letting your mind be free.

 

Destiny

 

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Two weeks back I was at the metro station and still not sure how I got in this situation but then for one last time I asked my younger brother who has come to drop me off to the last stop before I could catch my flight.I asked “You think its a right decision to go?”

Almost two months ago I got a call for interview for a different city for a good position and I said yes to it and got selected somehow.

I was not happy and was not sure whether I was up for it but it felt like I have to take this opportunity to get out of my comfort zone and to help me be in harmony with my past.

I remember when my laptop broke and very next day I was in serious need of some cash and got my current job.

I knew then I had to take that one, it was a good journey for me as I started to see things more clearly then ever and even though I was depressed somehow I learnt to breathe again.I learnt from my colleagues who had stories of their own that its possible to get up again and it may take time but you will be focused and will have a direction and will love life again.They in that tiniest office taught me how to keep going and just keep faith.There were times when I felt breathless but I tried to accept the reality as well.I had become a runner myself and was running away from a lot of things including my reality but now it was time to accept it and I towards the end of it started seeing and started working on building new dreams.I remember I almost cried watching one video which depicted the future I now tried to see for me.

I remember me making plans and really working hard with no exception this time.I was indeed got up and started preparing for the exam which in a way saved me and made me peaceful.

But seems like things at home were not going well as I was still not married and there was always an air of tension in the house and my presence made it so visible to my parents.I got distracted again and once again could not give my 100 percent.

But then I received this call and like I said I got the job in a new city.So even though I love my family more than anything and that I will miss moments of my niece growing up.I knew that I had to leave.

It was very hard the first day in the new city, It was raining very heavily and I couldn’t help crying as I was missing my family in my lonely room.My only contact in this new city was living in a different rented flats with 5 other girls.There was no place in Flat so I was to look for a different one.

But somehow in a week one of the girl left and the place became available and I moved in with my friend.

She said to me very first day , it may be destiny that you had to be here and it may be because it never so happens that the place becomes available so readily.

She told me to be grateful to god and to believe that there is a positive bright future that awaits you.

And just being here and meeting her made me feel it may be a start of new journey and that dreams I saw I can make them possible and that if I look back and connect the dots things make so much sense like it was destiny.