I was listening to this motivational video, fear kills hope, it put people in hospital and worst it ages you.
My hopes were killed, at some point in the recent past, I am not yet in hospital but my body is lethargic , I may not been aged yet but I can see white hairs on my forehead starting to appear.
For days I practiced patience or at least pushed myself to practice patience but there came a point when I broke and when I break , it looks like the whole world of mine comes falling down.
I feel so anxious in bed all night in that dark room of mine that I could not find peace and neither sleep.
I wake up by the slightest noise I hear, makes me wonder now “What kind of Life I have created for me? ”
Is this how much responsible I have become for me or is it just the guilt that will take me down or all I need is to be positive.
I have to admit I miss the days or at least envision days where I would wake up early even if not with a smile , but the least with a sense there is day to look forward to.And welcomes the sun as I meditate for a while.I wish for a day when I will not be so anxious and confused enough that I will ping a whole gang of people I know on watsapp for a simple query but just be patient and believe that in the end its me who have to make a decision and it is better that I make it well , make it now and just be patient and trust in me that even if the things will go wrong that I will learn something because it can never surpass that level of wronging that it will be hard to overcome.
That I just need to calm down and enjoy the moments and just be in the present.
I heard another ted talk today which spoke about when there are no deadlines we become utmost frustrated with the task we have been waiting years to do but haven`t accomplished yet.
I have not been able to get out of the clutches of the past which is ruining my present still in one way or the others. My mind feels hostage in the thoughts of the past and feels this is never going to end.I can feel everyday time is slipping by and time I wanted to devote to studies , to do something for the betterment of women of my society and it just feels today that I have become so much consumed in this sadness of the past that I am feeling a feeling of dying inside everyday now.
I do push myself but it becomes at times hard to focus and its so easy to loose focus when there is no one but yourself for that self control ,for imposing that patience in yourself.
My thoughts are all messed up but there is a voice from inside which says to me , maybe all this is for a reason and that I really really have to look for the light in this darkness of today , that there will be a day when I will be completely on my own and that I will free myself from the clutches of the past and that I will rise and be laughing uncontrollably like never before or maybe like the saying goes ,” I can fake it till I make it”.
I remember my colleague telling me once when I started to feel exhausted while appearing and doing so many formalities for one big companies interview, she said,” well 80 percent of the job is already done , why are you whining at this last minute, so what they surprised you with additional rounds, had I been given this opportunity , I would have gone for it”.
And those spoken word from her was a whole new picture of wisdom for me in that moment, and it made me patient, made me approach things in the positive manner and I gave the surprise round so patiently that I got selected.
Makes me just wonder , if I know so many things that are messing up with my life and that I am already trying hard to get over the past and that if 90 % of the day I succeed and 10 % fail , maybe its possible that a persistent continuous effort will make me succeed some day 99% and its precursor will not be my fear , nor my guilt but my willingness to accept things and just be patient and look forward to doing things right even if sometimes I end up doing things wrong .