Floating thoughts

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I remember this year in Jan , I was completely depressed and was finding ways online to talk to someone.I was running out of breathe most of the time and I wasn’t able to help me either.

There was no patience whatsoever in me , still is a work in progress.

Every day seemed somehow precious then and I was loosing everyday, things were getting out of control, well to an extent still are.

I was rocked again not very deeply but to a deeper extent again yesterday by my past which made me question myself what I had worked for to build these past months, what have I been doing , have I even progressed or still the same two years back girl waiting for things to change on their own.

Today when I woke up, I just never wanted to get out of the bed and just wanted to lie down and just not do anything.But when this is not an option, when you know you have to start preparing to move in like next three days, you have no option but to get up and get to work.

I have been trying to learn patience, and after several months of being trained in Metro, I was just not ready to give in another month to grievance or anything.

This really needs to stops.What will I live if I will keep on feeding my pain of the past and make it ruin my today.What good it will do to all the plans and all the preparation I have been putting my efforts and literally fighting for.Its like I am saying to all those dreams you are not worth anymore in front of that past ,that ,it was the most glorious past that I lived in and there will never be a moment again like that or better than that .

I was planning of starting a new and not think about what happened for a while and just wanted to forgive and forget.I wanted to be peaceful and working at my best and working the greatest.I still remember my graduation time when everyday I was a mess not believing in what I was doing then , now , when I finally believed in something I really want to pursue.

If I am going to give up like this, it does not make any sense because I don’t have authenticity in anything and what good I will make if I cannot even distinguish between past and present, between what is important now and what is lost.

I am not acting adult enough to take responsibility of me and am just too lazy, where will it lead but to nothing.Yes there is a certain destination of fear and then becoming wild and crazy and then will be tangled in the vicious circle of the past.

 

I literally don’t see any point in making me feel depressed ,sad or demotivated or even let my past rock me anymore.I want to focus on my dreams and plans that I have for me now ,it may not be as dreamy as being in conversation with the past but at the end of the day , I will feel more and more peaceful, I believe that.

I believe ,I will have a new stronger perspective towards life and an ample amount of experience to help me live a better life.

Most of the people who are due to certain reasons are not been able to experience things I am still capable of so why not make things happen and why give in to these devils whose work is only to lure you to a deep pot of pain.

Somehow wasting myself in bed and not spent the last week with my family seemed irrelevant.I have grieved enough and am not in mood to continue that anymore.

Like I said,forgive,forget and live today beautifully even a simple effort is beautiful too.

 

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Caught in transition

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I was listening to this motivational video, fear kills hope, it put people in hospital and worst it ages you.

My hopes were killed, at some point in the recent past, I am not yet in hospital but my body is lethargic , I may not been aged yet but I can see white hairs on my forehead starting to appear.

For days I practiced patience or at least pushed myself to practice patience but there came a point when I broke and when I break , it looks like the whole world of mine comes falling down.

I feel so anxious in bed all night in that dark room of mine that I could not find peace and neither sleep.

I wake up by the slightest noise I hear, makes me wonder now “What kind of Life I have created for me? ”

Is this how much responsible I have become for me or is it just the guilt that will take me down or all I need is to be positive.

I have to admit I miss the days or at least envision days where I would wake up early even if not with a smile , but the least with a sense there is day to look forward to.And welcomes the sun as I meditate for a while.I wish for a day when I will not be so anxious and confused enough that I will ping a whole gang of people I know on watsapp for a simple query but just be patient and believe that in the end its me who have to make a decision and it is better that I make it well , make it now and just be patient and trust in me that even if the things will go wrong that I will learn something because it can never surpass that level of wronging that it will be hard to overcome.

That I just need to calm down and enjoy the moments and just be in the present.

I heard another ted talk today which spoke about when there are no deadlines we become utmost frustrated with the task we have been waiting years to do but haven`t accomplished yet.

I have not been able to get out of the clutches of the past which is ruining my present still in one way or the others. My mind feels hostage in the thoughts of the past and feels this is never going to end.I can feel everyday time is slipping by and time I wanted to devote to studies , to do something for the betterment of women of my society and it just feels today that I have become so much consumed in this sadness of the past that I am feeling a feeling of dying inside everyday now.

I do push myself but it becomes at times hard to focus and its so easy to loose focus when there is no one but yourself for that self control ,for imposing that patience in yourself.

My thoughts are all messed up but there is a voice from inside which says to me , maybe all this is for a reason and that I really really have to look for the light in this darkness of today , that there will be a day when I will be completely on my own and that I will free myself from the clutches of the past and that I will rise and be laughing uncontrollably like never before or maybe like the saying goes ,” I can fake it till I make it”.

I remember my colleague telling me once when I started to feel exhausted while appearing and doing so many formalities for one big companies interview, she said,” well 80 percent of the job is already done , why are you whining at this last minute, so what they surprised you with additional rounds, had I been given this opportunity , I would have gone for it”.

And those spoken word from her was a whole new picture of wisdom for me in that moment, and it made me patient, made me approach things in the positive manner and I gave the surprise round so patiently that I got selected.

Makes me just wonder , if I know so many things that are messing up with my life and that I am already trying hard to get over the past and that if 90 % of the day I succeed and 10 % fail , maybe its possible that a persistent continuous effort will make me succeed some day 99% and its precursor will not be my fear , nor my guilt but my willingness to accept things  and just be patient and look forward to doing things right even if sometimes I end up doing things wrong .