I remember this year in Jan , I was completely depressed and was finding ways online to talk to someone.I was running out of breathe most of the time and I wasn’t able to help me either.
There was no patience whatsoever in me , still is a work in progress.
Every day seemed somehow precious then and I was loosing everyday, things were getting out of control, well to an extent still are.
I was rocked again not very deeply but to a deeper extent again yesterday by my past which made me question myself what I had worked for to build these past months, what have I been doing , have I even progressed or still the same two years back girl waiting for things to change on their own.
Today when I woke up, I just never wanted to get out of the bed and just wanted to lie down and just not do anything.But when this is not an option, when you know you have to start preparing to move in like next three days, you have no option but to get up and get to work.
I have been trying to learn patience, and after several months of being trained in Metro, I was just not ready to give in another month to grievance or anything.
This really needs to stops.What will I live if I will keep on feeding my pain of the past and make it ruin my today.What good it will do to all the plans and all the preparation I have been putting my efforts and literally fighting for.Its like I am saying to all those dreams you are not worth anymore in front of that past ,that ,it was the most glorious past that I lived in and there will never be a moment again like that or better than that .
I was planning of starting a new and not think about what happened for a while and just wanted to forgive and forget.I wanted to be peaceful and working at my best and working the greatest.I still remember my graduation time when everyday I was a mess not believing in what I was doing then , now , when I finally believed in something I really want to pursue.
If I am going to give up like this, it does not make any sense because I don’t have authenticity in anything and what good I will make if I cannot even distinguish between past and present, between what is important now and what is lost.
I am not acting adult enough to take responsibility of me and am just too lazy, where will it lead but to nothing.Yes there is a certain destination of fear and then becoming wild and crazy and then will be tangled in the vicious circle of the past.
I literally don’t see any point in making me feel depressed ,sad or demotivated or even let my past rock me anymore.I want to focus on my dreams and plans that I have for me now ,it may not be as dreamy as being in conversation with the past but at the end of the day , I will feel more and more peaceful, I believe that.
I believe ,I will have a new stronger perspective towards life and an ample amount of experience to help me live a better life.
Most of the people who are due to certain reasons are not been able to experience things I am still capable of so why not make things happen and why give in to these devils whose work is only to lure you to a deep pot of pain.
Somehow wasting myself in bed and not spent the last week with my family seemed irrelevant.I have grieved enough and am not in mood to continue that anymore.
Like I said,forgive,forget and live today beautifully even a simple effort is beautiful too.