Life really has many twists and turns.A person without persistence and focus can loose his/her mind.Today I want to write about my mind.
I have been twice in my life in a serious phase of depression and at the moment I am just recovering from my second one.
Today life seems so much different, I remember when in early 20`s ,I would spend literally every single day trying to figure out what I want to be in this life, what my passion will be.Every single day, would watch some movie and would become really inspired by the characters and their attitude and would try to find the perfect heroic moment in life.At 27 , the vision clears and reality has hit me at its best.
There is no such heroic moment , in fact every day what you live is what the memories you will carry to your grave.And I until my 25 just waited for a perfect moment that never happened.
I started making my moments and believed in being the creator of my own destiny when I was 25.I felt confident ,fearless and became a free thinker.
Someone not bounded by society structure and someone who can think of impossible when it seemed not so much.
But ,I got surrounded by people who did not believe in me , nor wanted to delineate from the society obvious structure and it became difficult to express, difficult to execute things without facing some kind of opposition.
The most rudimentary thing I can remember was me wanting to go for MBA at age 26 and my mom telling me, its not the age you go for studies ,its the age of getting married and that your 8 year younger brother is also preparing for the same, how would it look like.
People will laugh at them.
Last weekend, was again a similar situation, where after a year of not believing when I finally decided to go for MBA , my mom came in and said , they went to visit some relatives and everyone suffocated them.They were constantly discussing the same thing , that “Why I am not married yet?”,”Do they have plans to eat sit and eat the bread that I earn” , and many more cheap comment I had never thought in my life, I will come across such remarks.
I know the state of mind can be fragile and when you are a girl and already trying to recover from a depression, it sometimes become difficult to focus on what you want to pursue.
I am not worried about me , I have my education which has empowered me.My family , their acquaintances are not so much enlightened enough , and therefore cannot blame them.
But the consequences can be much more fatal, I was in a total shock when I reached home one day and heard my mom and my sister-in-law chatting about a suicide in the neighborhood.The educated girl scientist ,aged 30 had paid all her bills dues,had returned everything she owned to government or anyone and then one day suicided. Nobody came to claim her body , at the end it was police who came in.I later learnt ,she had dared to make some decisions to live her life her own way and that was totally out of sync with the society we live in .Her parents had refuted her and they were in constant disagreement and thus they decided to disown her.She was on her own now, too tired to fight the society , she must have thought suicide is the only way to be free in this country.
Honestly the only reference that I give sometimes to my parent is of that girl and that is why they let me do my own things , pursue my dreams and live my life my way.They are really kind to do this , even when the society suffocate them with all those question.
It has certainly impacted their health which makes me really angry at times at the society and its people that surrounds us.
But anger is not the solution, you see there is a saying , “organise, plan and agitate your ideas” and there is a dire need in Indian society.
Its a shame , an educated girl does not feel empowered enough to make her decision and if she dare then society is always ready to rampage her thought.She is women and by nature , cares the most about the people around and thus under emotional pressure give up on her dreams.
So coming back to state of my mind today, I have this strong will to not die in the process and to silently keep this goal in my head , to remain focus but I am only human.