Moments..

family

I recently heard this phrase – “If you want to succeed in life you got to love your family first”.

Yesterday, was again another day  where I was coming back from shopping ,completely immersed in my thoughts .I remember commenting my brother “Man ! your room cooler has made the whole house humid!!”.And then,as I reached my room,my state changed from total exhaustion to total panicking.I had lost my costly cellphone and my metro pass.I shook everything out of my regular bag and then carried some money and rushed to the door,to reach the subway stop if there were still any chances to get it back.

By this time I was thinking two things could have had happened, either it got out in the e-rickshaw I took to reach home or at the traffic crossing where, again some people asking for money approached me , I had doubt as I did not offer anything and my phone was almost projecting out of my side pocket , there were chances it was swiftly pick pocketed.

But lately things in my life demotivated me so much that I wasn’t surprised I was loosing track of my things.

While I was running to reach few blocks away to find a commute to subway , I was looking back a lot.I was thinking , will my younger brother  join me in search too or will I be just alone.I looked one to many times and I almost reached the block and sighed , maybe they do not care.I had been feeling alone a lot lately in every decision I was making for me, though my family was there but was silent about whatever I had decided to do with my life.But then , I saw my younger brother came running at the fastest speed possible .

That action itself calmed me down inside, he told me , Mom told Father over the phone , and that he will leave office early and will drive us, so we don’t need additional commute.

So we waited for my father,I was still in the process of realizing what has happened and was just thinking , it was a very costly phone bought by me when I had a good job once and now not so sure if will be able to replace it with a good one and if we will wait for father to arrive ,it will be too late , maybe.Then I wanted to tell my younger brother , he can wait for father to come , I ,by the time will take a ride in auto and will start searching.But then I dropped this idea knowing , I have to be just patient and my panicking or rushing wont help , because it was already like 20-25 minutes and if it was stolen there were 0 percent chances to get it back now and in city like Delhi which is overcrowded and such incidents are common , there didn’t seem to be any chance at all.

I therefore just breathe and was now sitting at a sidewalk ,too tired to remain standing now.

As I was thinking all those things and was just sitting there , I heard the e-Rikshaw driver who dropped me home before , shouting at a distance,”Madam, I have the cellphone and the metro card with me which you dropped off your pocket”.

I said,”What really!!!!”.I rushed towards the rickshaw , my brother was looking in another direction so he didnt notice.

I rushed and the e-Rikshaw owner explained, the other passenger boarding the Rickshaw noticed the phone and the card and informed him.E-Rickshaw driver had dropped me few times now and always used to drop me few blocks away from the home so he said ,”Well ,I thought that , I will ask the people around about the exact home location and will hand it over”.

By now,I had waved my brother showing him the phone and card . We both were just relived and ecstatic to receive the phone back.We thanked the Rickshaw owner for this  gratitude which is something not this common in today’s world because if you loose something , you just never get it back.We paid him some money as a token of thanks and then as we were to leave for home , my father reached the point as well and we waved ,its all good now and that we found it.And not just that I saw my Mom also came walking at the same time and was just few steps away from us .We all took a ride back home together in my fathers car.

Incident like this is nothing I would want to happen but incident like this shows you the people  who really cared about you will be there for you.

My younger brother leaving his studies, my Mom leaving her household work at home ,My Dad leaving his office work in the middle and rushing to us.

These are the moments make me realize I am really a fool if I look for a sign of less expressed love of my family.

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LOOPHOLES IN MY SOCIETY

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Life really has many twists and turns.A person without persistence and focus can loose his/her mind.Today I want to write about my mind.

I have been twice in my life in a serious phase of depression and at the moment I am just recovering from my second one.

Today life seems so much different, I remember when in early 20`s ,I would spend literally every single day trying to figure out what I want to be in this life, what my passion will be.Every single day, would watch some movie and would become really inspired by the characters and their attitude and would try to find the perfect heroic moment in life.At 27 , the vision clears and reality has hit me at its best.

There is no such heroic moment , in fact every day what you live is what the memories you will carry to your grave.And I until my 25 just waited for a perfect moment that never happened.

I started making my moments and believed in being the creator of my own destiny when I was 25.I felt confident ,fearless and became a free thinker.

Someone not bounded by society structure and someone who can think of impossible when it seemed not so much.

But ,I got surrounded by people who did not believe in me , nor wanted to delineate from the society obvious structure and it became difficult to express, difficult to execute things without facing some kind of opposition.

The most rudimentary thing I can remember was me wanting to go for MBA at age 26 and my mom telling me, its not the age you go for studies ,its the age of getting married and that your 8 year younger brother is also preparing for the same, how would it look like.

People will laugh at them.

Last weekend, was again a similar situation, where after a year of not believing when I finally decided to go for MBA , my mom came in and said , they went to visit some relatives and everyone suffocated them.They were constantly discussing the same thing , that “Why I am not married yet?”,”Do they have plans to eat sit and eat the bread that I earn” , and many more cheap comment I had never thought in my life, I will come across such remarks.

I know the state of mind can be fragile and when you are a girl and already trying to recover from a depression, it sometimes become difficult to focus on what you want to pursue.

I am not worried about me , I have my education which has empowered me.My family , their acquaintances are not so much enlightened enough , and therefore cannot blame them.

But the consequences can be much more fatal, I was in a total shock when I reached home one day and heard my mom and my sister-in-law chatting about a suicide in the neighborhood.The educated girl scientist ,aged 30 had paid all her bills dues,had returned everything she owned to government or anyone and then one day suicided. Nobody came to claim her body , at the end it was police who came in.I later learnt ,she had dared to make some decisions to live her life her own way and that was totally out of sync with the society we live in .Her parents had refuted her and they were in constant disagreement and thus they decided to disown her.She was on her own now, too tired to fight the society , she must have thought suicide is the only way to be free in this country.

Honestly the only reference that I give sometimes to my parent is of that girl and that is why they let me do my own things , pursue my dreams and live my life my way.They are really kind to do this , even when the society suffocate them with all those question.

It has certainly impacted their health which makes me really angry at times at the society and its people that surrounds us.

But anger is not the solution, you see there is a saying , “organise, plan and agitate your ideas” and there is a dire need in Indian society.

Its a shame , an educated girl does not feel empowered enough to make her decision and if she dare then society is always ready to rampage her thought.She is women and by nature , cares the most about the people around and thus under emotional pressure give up on her dreams.

So coming back to state of my mind today, I have this strong will to not die in the process and to silently keep this goal in my head , to remain focus but I am only human.