If you are depressed or lost your way or even have settled or accepted everything as is and think there is nothing that can bring that living like feeling and yeah cannot afford those costly sessions with a therapist , try taking metro(subway) for a while consistently and you maybe surprised with the changes.
January this year I had only one way to commute to office and that was metro,at that time I was a complete wreck emotionally and got so much lost that I had broke all connection to friends in one way or another,I wasn’t selfish to do that well maybe a little because they all were happy in their life and I was in a place nowhere near happiness and I couldn’t find strength anymore congratulating every single friend of mine on their wedding and their all happily ever after, I did that for a while but then I couldn`t anymore..anyways not distracting from the topic.
So..ok ,it was clear ,I was just all by myself as I had no wish anymore for anything, all I wanted to do was still be independent and that exactly I became again by taking this job which has no scope for growth but it does pay a minimum for me to survive.
I started taking metro and at first I just saw a crowd which was new for me as I hardly used to go out .I would carry a book to read so to avoid looking at other faces.Slowly and slowing everyday even though just standing there by myself I begin to feel the energy of the girls around me. That energy reminded me I am not alone.I begin to observe girls around me, I had forgotten to laugh wildly with friends and there I would see sometimes bunch of girls walk in and they would be just laughing so carelessly and having a funny wild conversation reminded me of the time when I would laugh like that with my friends.No doubt it was a pain at the beginning as I could feel alone now but then I tried just to be there and feel happy looking at them ,sometimes just listen to them.
There were times when it would be very crowded and I observed the girls will always keep an eye on the spot from where they could find seat to sit easily,I was so much demotivated that I would easily loose the spot or even seat in the beginning but then I wanted to sit as well I was too tired ,and its not the pain I wanted anymore and if I could avoid by just being confident to fight for my spot ,I might give it a try as well,I thought.
My senses which were in deep sleep for a while became active and I began to be one of them who would keep an eye for a spot ,and even though I don`t succeed in all my tries every day but I do someday and I get that seat and it does feel a bit good sometimes.
They woke up the desire in me to want things again in a way.
They would push me in the crowded train sometimes or sometimes their bags on the floor will make it impossible for me to stand and before ,I just settled and be uncomfortable , but then from some of the girls that walked in and their simple request to others to move things around to make space taught me to raise my voice as well.And I would not settle anymore,I will raise my voice,I learnt from them , and I began too, and there were times when their voices will be stronger ,times when it wont be but then there were times when mine was heard and it slowly and slowly I learnt to raise my voice as well.
They made me feel hungry again by eating some food that would smell so delicious and take care of myself by being as I would see so strong and active women even if they were older then me(honestly I felt more exhausted then them most of the time).
Since its office hours and most will normally board the same metro ,so some faces I begin to remember and then they began to remember mine too although we wont still have a single word of conversation ,it just felt not so lonely anymore.Sometimes I did make conversation when it be too interesting just not easy to avoid.
I would hear some gossip about something amazing,some life lesson I might face someday,sometimes word fight ,so many things,so many songs on earphone which were louder and made me feel the beat and made me want to dance , so many way to be elegant , to be wild ,so many cell phones junkie too lost in their conversation, their smiles at certain things taught to react again.Their unexpected courtesy sometimes made me believe that good people are not totally extinct.
If I compare me with my five months back version,all I can say ,I may not be totally back to the version of me which is a normal me, but I am on a right track and everyday there is something to learn from them and remember things ,good things.No doubt sometimes I see somethings that reminds me of the bitter past and I feel low but then there are days when I feel just lucky to still have a mind which can think and a mind which is trying persistently to feel again and to be at a place where I be alive and not just breathing and getting by.
They undoubtedly help me a lot and thus,this is a heartfelt thank you to the girls of Metro who unknowingly helped and still helping me to be back on my feet again.