It is hard today to write a post but they say ” Beginning is always the hardest part”.
Well my younger brother disagrees ,he says ” Beginning and ending are easy, maintaining that consistency in between is the hardest part”.
I really don`t know but what I know for me every part of those starting on a new path has been the hardest.
Having a thought of doing something is very easy but actually doing is a whole different story.
Last night around 1:30 am when the anxiety tipped off the patience level , I started thinking what can I do to not make the bad choice and what are my options and the option that came out to be the best was to listen to ted talk and because Will Smith says “Whatever we are suffering today there have been people in the past with the same level of difficulty and had found their peace” We may think what we are going through is so much catastrophic and so much deep that we cant think of any life without it or maybe we are just tied up so much in this situation now that we are so comfortable not looking beyond it.
So when I decided two weeks ago will be the Day 1 of the new journey letting now think past be just a history and let live in present and work on making a better tomorrow all I was doing was just thinking and the temptation of remaining miserable was so infectious that I let my past haunt me a bit more.Let the ghost of the past talk to me and make me smile like those moments are true.
Truth is what is in the past is already a ghost and what I was doing was everything I could to let it become the present but we cant live in the past to make a present.That equation just doesn`t work .
and what is lost in the process is time and time when lost when that white hair begin to appear on the forehead and that fear creeps in and the thought will I be able to pull off this present where I am nowhere ,what will I do.Seems like the best days have gone will it be any easier or the easiest thing will be giving up on everything and hold on that past again one more day,one more day living with the ghost thinking nope the situation is better.
So that happened for two weeks and I realise the past will never make my present Happy.
Happy – something I have begin to almost hate now because I would have liked a good proportion of everything in the life .And now all I have today for more than a year is a good proportion of sadness.
It is high time that I start to do something about it ,maybe thats what I was thinking last night at around 1:30 am and thats why instead of holding back to past I was finally thinking of other option to deal with the situation.
And guess what I found two so much inspiring and resonating talk to my present situation that I was filled with moments where I paced backed and forth in the balcony thinking that its all possible,that till I am breathing I have a life and a life that I wanted to always live was – ” Lily of a day is far better than growing like an old oak tree”.
My past year experience have made me feel like an old oak tree by taking its toll on my health by destroying my free thinking my energy and exhausting me so much that I just thought there is nothing left now.
And then I see that talks like today it is possible to have a “CHANGE OF ATTITUDE” that its ok and not feel guilty about anything as long as you still want a change.
And a very slow step is ok too and guess what these minute steps may contribute to one step but they will. I am sure I have not lost my root completely .
I am sure watching that night sky as I was pacing up in the balcony and looking at the light of the star , I can remember that – “Light cannot be hidden” .
So today let it be the first slow day but I am sure a consistent positive choice to live in the present and to strive for it will actually make me live in the present and that a day will come where I would not be taking a minute step but a whole single step a day.
That day I will breathe out the air of peace in the night while looking up the star and will be happy to live in that moment.
Until that hard or not I know I have to be patient with myself and not let things overwhelm me but yep not get caught up in the theory again that its ok to take whole time in the world because we don`t have whole time in the world so the DAY 1 has to finally began today.
DAY 1 where I will promise my inner self that I am going to change things about me. I am going to take control in the NOW and that I will LIVE IN PRESENT.